Musings on trauma, poetic prose, and the book I was always meant to write.

Cross-posted to Substack.

To say I am obsessed with my new book (that I just finished!!!) would be an understatement. I told my bestie/booth b*tch/emotional support extrovert the other day that Not a Strong Enough Word is the book I wish I had the emotional bandwidth to write while I was writing The Write Place. I hid for a while within the safety of the lighthearted rom-com genre, but now that I’ve busted out into more emotional territory, I kind of wonder if I’ll be able to go back.

(And a pause here to say that there will be some mention of miscarriage in today’s post. If that’s not something you feel you can read today, skip this one or come back later. Or jump to the video linked below because that has a lot of the same information without specifics.)

So, since I just typed THE END on my first draft last week, we’re going to talk about it today. But first…

If you’re a fan of flavored coffee and you also have a Keurig, I would absolutely recommend these. They’re fun, and you get to try a bunch because each cup is different! (But don’t go overboard with the plastic K-cups, okay? They’re awful for the environment.)

Today’s small activism is personal. Earlier this week, berges_books posted a reel on Instagram where she talked about the second anniversary of her second trimester miscarriage and how she is honoring the memory of her baby, Kate, by asking for donations to Butterfly Kisses Alliance. As someone who has also suffered a second trimester loss, I wanted to spread the word. If you feel so inclined, please make a donation in Kate’s honor.

And, make no mistake about it, this request does not sound political, but it is. There are politicians who have made moves to criminalize miscarriage, especially those that happen in the second and third trimesters. Normalizing miscarriage—no matter when it happens—by offering comfort rather than stigma to grieving families is radical and political.

Not a Strong Enough Word was never a book that was supposed to get written. Well… okay, that’s not entirely true. Saying that makes it sound like it was an idea in my head that I was never going to bring to fruition for whatever reason, but that’s not the case. What was supposed to happen was I was going to finish Love Out Loud this summer (which I did), publish Christmas by Design in November (which I did), release Love in the Time of Conversation Hearts with Hannah, and get LOL ready to publish for the spring (which I sort of did).

What ended up happening is that I finished Love Out Loud, wrote and published Pumpkin to Talk About, published CBD and LITTOCH, and started to get LOL ready to publish. But one thing led to another, things got shifted around or cancelled, and I figured this was the universe’s way of telling me to shoot my shot and put LOL on submission with trad houses. So I did.

But that left me a bit despondent. I can handle the waiting game, but I can handle it a hell of a lot better if I have something else to focus on. But what? I wasn’t going to write another novella; those are fun, but I wanted to sink my teeth into something bigger. I have my witchy trilogy that I’m working on, but waiting until the fall for another release would be agony (and you kind of have to release witchy books in the fall, right??).

I couldn’t write another full-length book and get it ready for a spring release, could I? COULD I?

(Yes, as it turns out, I could.)

BEWARE: Below there may be what some might consider spoilers for the book, and another mention of miscarriage. The video linked above has zero spoilers and nothing to do with miscarriage, so you can watch that instead!

Scarlett and Ryan’s story popped into my head one day. This is almost a literal statement. I was craving a bookish, second chance romance. I wanted emotional depth, pining, yearning, deep history. And I wanted my characters to be book people. They would deal in bright words and sensual, lyrical syntax. The book itself would be rich with poetic prose (because they are book people, after all, and as a book person myself, my interior (and exterior) monologues are often poetic) (seriously, being in my head is wild).

They would love each other’s brains as much as their bodies. And their love would be wrapped up in words—the ones on the page, the ones they say to each other, the ones they use in everyday conversation.

Scarlett would walk away from a successful career and the love of her life. She’d disappear for five years. And Ryan would be devastated, not only because of the loss of her, but because of the loss of her words.

This story became something I hungered for. Something I needed. I don’t know why I felt so desperate for it, but I did. And because that was the case, I started writing.

But why would Scarlett leave? Just because of a deal gone wrong? The stakes weren’t high enough. There had to be something else.

Enter the plot line I wanted to avoid ever writing about: a miscarriage.

I won’t say too much about this as I think it might spoil parts of the book, but I looked for any way to avoid writing about this. As someone who has had a miscarriage myself, I want my reading and writing to be an escape. But there wasn’t another option that would satisfy my deep need to lean into the emotions of this book. And so, I planned this part of the storyline.

But… life and emotion and turmoil. I almost didn’t finish this book. I didn’t know if I would be strong enough to make it through to the end. I avoided writing sessions by doing literally anything else. And this wasn’t just your typical “I am avoiding writing so my house is really clean” type of stuff. It was a conscious acknowledgement that I didn’t want to think about the emotions this book was bringing up for me, and a decision to do it later… or never.

It wasn’t until I rewrote my outline for the last third of the book that I started to realize some things. The way people show up for Scarlett is the way the best people in my life have showed up for me. Scarlett being absent for five years is about the same amount of time since my own loss. The pain and grief and longing every character experiences regardless of the reason why is so close to my own, because grief is universal in so may ways. It connects them. It connects us to them. And it connects readers (and authors) to each other.

And all of a sudden, I needed this book for so many reasons outside of just letting my literature nerd flag fly. I needed Scarlett’s healing. I needed Ryan’s passion. I needed their tender love story to remind me of my own. I needed to let them into my heart and curl up there, like a dog making a little blanket nest before sighing into a deep, comfortable sleep.

It was hard, but I was strong enough. I finished the book.

Sometimes, there’s strength in holding on to something. Sometimes, the strength is in letting go. With Not a Strong Enough Word, there was a little of both. I held on and saw it through. I grabbed memories and feelings I haven’t looked at in a long time. But I also let go of expectations and perfection. I let it be messy and sad, but also uplifting and healing. And I reminded myself that if I needed this book, surely someone else does, too.

And so, this book is for the baby we lost, in her memory. It is for me, because I’m strong enough. And it’s for you, because whatever you’re dealing with, you are, too.

Obviously, I finished Not a Strong Enough Word, which was my biggest update this week, so I don’t have much else to report except that my Street Team application is open through tomorrow! Apply now!

Also, after my grumpy girls video, a reader asked me to design a grumpy girl hat… so I did! The grumpy/sunshine girl/guy/neutral hats are now available on my website. Check them out!

Need something to read while you wait for Not a Strong Enough Word? Anna P. just released a new book!! Check it out!

It was always meant to be them. Even if they didn’t know it.

Daisy Heroux and Rafferty Ames met as kids, at a time when they needed each other the most. They became friends who secretly loved each other, until hundreds of miles pulled them apart.

It’s been twenty years since she’s seen him, but Daisy’s life has moved forward. She got married and divorced, started a business and built a small, but good life. Struggles with her body and harsh memories of her childhood haven’t faded, but she’s happier now.

Meanwhile, Rafferty has been quietly struggling. Since his own divorce, he’s been working two jobs as he raised his nine-year-old son alone. While he’s not looking for someone, he’s also not had the time to really consider what a relationship would be like for him now.

When he moves his son to a small town that doesn’t even appear on a map, the last thing he expects is to run into his first love. She’s not expecting him either. But this reunion encourages them to see their lives differently. The more time they spend together, the harder it becomes to ignore the growing feelings. Now, there’s so much more to consider before they take the leap.

They have to decide if love is worth the risk or if they’re forever better off as friends.

This book contains mature themes and explicit content, and is intended for readers 18+

You are strong enough, and you are loved. That is all.

Happy reading,
Allie